10 days, six years, who’s counting?
Can I just say how sick I am of canine epilepsy? I don’t think there’s any way to convey the anguish, the frustration, the sickening worry, or the awful thoughts that come with each seizure episode. If you’ve been through it, you know, but there’s little to prepare you for how it takes over your life, and, of course, the life of the sweet canine buddy afflicted. The only advantage he has is that he’s not “aware” of his condition, at least not like a human — this human — is aware.
Cutter began having seizures in November of 2002. Looking back, the first couple of years weren’t so bad, even as I struggled to accept what the condition is, and that he would never go back to being the dog he was, or our lives the way they were. I held out hope for the longest time that I would find the magic bullet to bring it under control and we would go back to living a normal life, without the spectre lurking, without my heart pounding every time I hear an odd thump or chewing noise. But, alas, it’s progressed. And progressed. He’s winding up a 10 day run now–only one tonight, a minor gum chewer a little while ago. They seem to be tapering, though you never know. A week ago we were in the throes of a full-on cluster, with multiple complex partials and grand mals mixed in a fun bag o’thrills every evening. Rectal Valium was used, multiple times, and we avoided ER, thankfully.
It’s so stressful, and disheartening. And through it all, Cutter remains absolutely adorable. He had some rough days, days where I wondered what I was doing…choking back fright and tears and wondering…should I make the decision? But now he’s back to his bright (well, for him) self, enjoying his pleasures (mostly revolving around eating food, feces, and various and sundry non-food items) and engaged in life. I know when it’s all over that I’ll wish it wasn’t; that the years spent imprisoned by a bizarre, chaotic, unpredictable, and horrible affliction will seem to be a mere blip and that it wasn’t all that bad, really. Except it was. It is.